Lietur
2009-10-23 - 10:15 p.m.

I had a very long vivid dream last night/this morning.

I'm not sure I want to write about all of it. I mean, not just because I'm lazy, but it's actually embarrassing in some parts.
Yes, that means it got sexual. Which doesn't happen often for me.
I wish I could lock certain entries so I didn't feel like I couldn't write about it.

Oh fuck it, here I go.

It was only a dream, but it was very emotionally intense.

It began in my dorm room.
The room was actually pretty empty and spacious. Nicole Brewer, the MFA in Machinal, was my roommate, and she was drunk/passing out.
D was visiting me. I think he was drunk too. He was dancing with me, and started singing to me, and I was laughing and trying to shush him because I didn't want him to wake Nicole.

Things got quiet, and we cuddled a little. He said, "I love you."

I said, ""If only there were two of you. Then you could love both her and me and no one would have to hurt. Because you loving her is killing me."
I was obviously talking about Sam.

He looked pained, as if the truth of what I'd said pained him.

And he kissed me. I let him at first, but then stopped him because I knew it wasn't right, but he told me he didn't care, and kissed me again.

The scene switched to us being in a car, driving to the store. It was nighttime, and we were in the back seat.
My goal at the store was to get the first issue of the Talisman comic that just came out a few days ago, because The Talisman novel by Stephen King was Ian's favorite book (and one of mine now, too).
We were holding hands while walking into the store, and then split up.
I wandered through the isles, looking for the magazines and the comics, and then D nudged me through a door that led to a stainless-steel locker roomish area.

We went into this area that resembled a large bathroom stall, and then we had sex. I bottomed, of course.
It was more than just sex though. He was holding onto me like he was afraid of losing me.

The scene changed again to a library, and this part of the dream is really vague. I was looking for New Moon so I could read it again before the movie, but also didn't really want to be seen getting it. We were there with a group of people.

D was looking through scores of music (no idea why), and I remember thinking that he couldn't check them out because he didn't go to this school, but when he got up to the counter he was using a fake ID, and then ended up behind the counter on the computer to do it himself.

The scene switched to being in rehearsal for R&J in the studio, and he was waiting outside for me and making friends with a bunch of my friends.
I was Benvolio.
We were running through stuff, and then just dicking around, and then Da was there for some reason, and I didn't know why. He had nothing to do with the production, so I was like 'wtf', and he got up on stage and was trying to quiet people down by just "shhhhhhhhhh"ing, and they weren't, and then he legit YELLED at someone and called them a fucking bitch and other stuff. A student.

I sat there shocked. I was so embarrassed and ashamed to even know him. After he was done ranting, I just kind of sat there in disbelief, and then walked out and went to D.

He took me in his arms and I cried.

And that was the end.

And I woke up missing D, of course, and I've been thinking how being home and going to Kalamazoo I'll get to see him, so I think that's why he was the main character throughout.

He's my safe place.

And lately I just want to run to him and have him make everything all right.

lead arrow - gold arrow