Leaden Birthday
2009-09-21 - 10:22 p.m.

As I expected, it was a rather lackluster day.

Pretty gloomy actually. It always rains on my birthday.

At one point I was actually near tears. I was on the phone with Kyle, and talking about basically how awful I feel, and would've started crying if Eric hadn't walked in.

I'm pretty sure next year I won't be at NIU anymore.

I'm seriously considering transferring to either Wayne State or Oakland. Wayne State does musicals as a part of their normal season, so that's good, but OU has an actual musical theatre program.

I just want out of here so badly.

I really wish I could just do it NOW. Or at semester. Though at semester would just be awkward.

I've taken my ambien early in an attempt to calm me down and to...well, make me feel a little better before bed.

But waking up in the morning is just becoming...more and more of a struggle.

If I could sleep forever...

I just don't want to DEAL with anything anymore. Detach completely.

I wonder what it would be like if I really did that. Separated myself from the group. I mean, I doubt it could, but I wonder if it would make things easier.

I wish I could've actually been with someone to make it feel like a real birthday.
But I guess this is getting older. It doesn't really matter after this.
No one really cares.

Maybe one day I'll actually stop hurting and hating the world.

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