For who would bear the whips and scorns of time?
2009-09-11 - 11:06 p.m.

Right now the roommate is here with his friend, and I'm going fucking nuts.
They left a while ago, and so I closed the door and turned the tv on, and I went to go brush my teeth, and they came back and opened the door and turned on music.
Really?

I want. The fuck. Out of here.
I was waiting by the phone all day yesterday and today praying that housing would call. Nothing.

Last night was the freshmen jamboree, and it was so much better than ours. Though afterward, in the long period of waiting until party time, I started feeling really sick. I'd had a sore throat earlier, but then it started turning into a fever and just plain miserableness.
I came back to my room and ended up passing out around 10:30.

Yesterday was also my counseling appointment, and our first introduction to emotional prep.

Counseling felt weird. It's like if I'm not currently in the MOOD while I'm there, I don't have much to talk about. I didn't really emphasize how much I don't want to be here.
I did say that I would rather be in a musical program, but she was just kind of like 'well, why can't you finish out here and then do that?'
I didn't really know what to say to that, but what I want to now is that I'm not being trained for that. The more I'm here, the more disparaging? it becomes.
Instead of growing in faith, I'm becoming more wary.

Honestly, I kind of feel like our school likes to think that it's a big deal and up in the big leagues of acting schools, but it's really not.
But then I really don't KNOW.

I am absolutely terrified about emotional prep (hah, terror is one of the 4 main preps...).
But really. It just seems so vague, and we're expected to just be doing it on Tuesday, and we don't even really know what we're doing.
I feel completely unprepared.

I want some real fucking GUIDANCE here.
PLEASE.

Once again I feel trapped in circumstances that seem unchangeable.

If I wanted to transfer, technically, I could. But I'd have to, in all likelihood, start all over again. Add another two years. Be in an even younger class.

...I keep wishing I'd have gotten into Western's program. I realize that then I would have never met probably any of these people, but still. I remember seeing the theatre students around or in my dance class, and I was so envious. I wanted to be in that family. Instead I felt like a failure; like that family didn't want me. I wasn't worthy.
And I keep thinking 'if only I'd gotten in...I could've had friends, I wouldn't have been so miserable...'

So unsatisfied.

Wishing, wishing, wishing. If any wish ever comes true, it's never they way I wanted it to be.

Is personal freedom any different from controlling your life?

Sometimes I do just want to die. Not take my own life, but die none the less. Sometimes life just seems too hard. Too scary. Too much unseen and unknown for me to handle.

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