What happens if the cut, the burn, the break...
2009-09-01 - 1:04 p.m.

...was never in my brain, or in my blood, but in my soul?

I'm finding I identify with Alice Ripley's character in Next to Normal a lot. Just...not as gone.

I went to Colin's for the weekend, and it was a very good idea.
Getting out of my room and spending time away. At first I didn't know if it was a good idea because of all the work I needed to get done, but then I rationalized and got mostly everything done before I went.

I made good time considering there was road construction.

Saturday was chore day, basically. Colin wanted to change his room around, and we tried a few arrangements until things seemed right, but it's a little difficult because of how small his room is.
I put in the second season of Pushing Daisies while we were cleaning, and I'm really pissed that the show was canceled. Especially for being nominated for so many Emmys its first season. Lee Pace is adorable, and it's difficult to not enjoy watching Kristen Chenoweth.
After the room was done, it was time for laundry. And then we went grocery shopping after he checked his bank account and found that he got paid early, so now he actually had food in his cupboards.

Later that night, his brother called to say he was in Chicago at a wedding reception, and Colin and I drove out to Tinley Park to attend. At first I was pretty nervous and sure that I was going to look awkward, not knowing anyone but Coco, but I was fine after about 10 minutes. I even began to enjoy myself a little. Granted I was drinking, so that helped with things.

After we got home, Colin and Kevin went to a party down the street, and I stayed in because I was tired. He wasn't gone long; maybe an hour or so.
After he came back we tried to have sex, but I was already under the influence of ambien at that point, and it didn't work out so well. We managed to make up for it the next morning.

We didn't really do anything on Sunday. We finished Pushing Daisies and finished his laundry, and made the frozen pizza we (he) had bought the day before.

Oh, and there was a bunch of cuddling.

It wasn't until about an hour before I gad to leave that I started to freak out about driving back to school. I started crying even. I did not want to come back to this nest of anxiety.

It's almost like I've been under an anxiety attack since before we even left to come down here.
I've cried almost every day.
There is so much wrong with me.

I wish I knew the reason why. I wish I had something to point my finger at and blame.

I can't get in to the anxiety clinic until the 16th, which is a problem. I'm going to try to go to counseling along with the clinic, so my depression is addressed, too.

And I'm so concerned about not being able to perform well in class because of all of this. Like I need a break to really tackle these issues, and it hasn't even been two weeks yet.

...and you know, I wonder a bit if I have ADD or something. It is so difficult for me to sit in class and actually pay attention. I'm there for about three seconds, and then my mind is just somewhere else.

lead arrow - gold arrow