Would I rather not remember?
2009-08-28 - 10:06 a.m.
Nightmares, appetite problems, dryness of mouth, shortness of breath, sleep disorders, and repetitive motions to avoid pain are often reported by people experiencing normal grief. Even hallucinatory experiences may be normal early in grief. - from the grief article on Wikipedia.
I experience all of these things.
There is a clinical problem of becoming "identified" with the grief. In this situation, mourners are reluctant to release the grief because grieving has been integrated as part of their identity. Reporting in the journal NeuroImage (May 10, 2008, online), scientists suggest that complicated grief activates neurons in the reward centers of the brain, possibly giving these memories addiction-like properties. The authors found activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region of the brain most commonly associated with reward and one that has also been shown to play a role in social attachment, such as sibling and maternal affiliation. Found this pretty interesting, too.
You know, I was doing pretty ok at home until about a few days before coming back here, and now I'm a fucking trainwreck again.This nostalgia is really doing a number on me.
I'm also entertaining the idea of Peter Pan complex. I don't want to grow up, don't want to have to not be around the people I love. I liked things the way they were.
Eric told me that he was moving in with Anthony last night before callbacks, and it made me really sad.
Another thing to pile on my list.
A lot of it is because I like his house and I feel comfortable there, and I like his roommates (and apparently I'm their favorite, too). But I can't visit now. Or at least not like I used to. I couldn't really all summer either because Anthony was living at Eric's.
I don't know what to do with myself.
There's no immediate cure, but fuck do I want one.
I'm not sure why the nostalgia is swelling up so much. I've thought about past things before and they would make me a little sad, but it was never as heavy as it is now.
It feels like I've lost something that won't ever return, and I'm grieving for it. Yearning and searching.
Maybe because it's starting to dawn on me how close real life is getting, and I don't want to have to move on to it.
And now I'm thinking that therapy thing at Munson wouldn't have done me any good then, because then I didn't need it. And now I do.
I don't want my life to be like this.
I wonder if it would be better if I took less things for granted. Or if I'd just end up missing them more.
NEW good moments WILL happen. They will.
It seems like it's been raining here all week, which of course just lifts my mood.
I kinda wish I still had art classes.
Well, I wish a lot of things.
I'm trying to think of something positive to say here, so all of this isn't just EMOEMOEMO, but it's not really working out.
Um.
I think I'll watch Beauty and the Beast today.
lead arrow - gold arrow
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