Back-to-school trauma
2009-08-20 - 1:14 a.m.

I've been making a big fuss about coming back to school, and I'm not sure it'll abate for at least a week.

It's almost like back-to-school trauma. That sounds a little melodramatic, but that's what it feels like. And it happens every damn semester. It's like freshman year over and over and over.
I'm just terrified. And I'm trying to conserve the 6 ativan pills I have left, but tomorrow I'll probably need one right when I get up.

I was getting really depressed while packing. I also left a lot my nick-knackery at home because I just didn't want to deal with taking it.
I did bring my music box, though.

I also think I associate school with Kyle, and that makes me sad. He was my first real break from loneliness.
He may drive me fucking batshit, but I still love him. And returning to school without that comfort is...a little more empty, I guess. I could breathe a little when I had someone to run to.

Aaaand now I'm getting teary. Again.

That was happening while we were in the car, too. I had Next to Normal on, and there were a few lines that would instantly hit and caused me to almost start crying.

For the last part of the trip I played HP6, which was a good life choice. I kept seeing the movie in my head, and was imagining what the scenes excluded from the movie would have looked like (the Gaunts, to be specific).
And I'm realizing now that I don't think I really SEE books when I'm reading them. I may have hazy flashes of what something might look like, but I think I feel them more than I see them.

Right now I'm in the hotel room in Dekalb, and I'm wondering if I actually have my cable for internet in my room in any of my boxes. I mean, I don't think I ever took it OUT of either of the boxes it should be in, but I didn't think to check until about a half hour ago. So I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I'm unpacking things.
If it's not, I'll probably be able to get a weak wireless signal until my mom can send the cord to me.

I guess I'll try to catch up on the sleep I didn't get last night.
Tomorrow night I'll be sleeping in my twin dorm bed.
uhg.

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