Sectumsempra
2009-07-19 - 1:10 p.m.

Last night I turned my shower into a bath, and it felt wonderful, but I hate that moment of turning the faucet off. The sudden quite is just...unnerving. I sat there for a while with the shower still on, but the plug in the drain, so I put myself some place with a waterfall.

Two nights ago was another bad night, and I ended up calling a bunch of people, and messaging them. I talked to Colin for a little bit, talked to Kyle for a long while. And then I jumped up onto my desktop and sketched out a quick something about that spark, sort of a follow-up to my other spark picture.
And then I sent a note to Jeff.

I felt so stupid doing it, like "Ok, why the fuck should he care?", but I did it anyway.
And when I got up in the morning, not only had he replied, but he also sent another note regarding something completely different (the Ian/Ayden thing). The latter surprised me, mainly because the only way he would know that I sent a tweet to Ayden would be if he was looking at my twitter.
Regardless, it was definitely the most...friendly reply I've had from him in 2 years. I think there was even a smiley in there somewhere.
It was nice.
I'm not all OMGBFF AGAIN, because that's a serious overreaction, but truthfully, it does give me a little fragment of hope.

His advice for my "searching for love" issue was basically, to not. DON'T go looking for it; let it find you. Which I know has been told to me before. It's just...hard. To not look for it. To try to think of something else.
I don't really know how. But then again, I also haven't really ever tried.

Speaking of trying, I actually need to get on a monologue for the fall auditions...I found a few in a book in Border's, but I need to go back with my laptop so I can type them out.
Fucking Justin borrowed the monologue books that Da bought for me, and never gave them back.
I should also go to the library to look through their selection, and even for the plays we're doing, though I can't exactly take them out because I don't have a library account. I suppose I could get one, but I never go there. I've maybe been in that building twice.

You know sometimes, when I'm driving alone, I imagine there's someone else in the car, and I pick my music like I'm trying to appeal to their taste, or something that I can sing really well that would impress them.

I've seen HP6 three times now, and I'm going again when Kyle is here.
Every time I see Draco I just want to give him a really tight hug. I just FEEL for him. A+ Tom Felton.

This brings me back to the love thing.
Part of me wants an epic love. Something that's been around for a while, and gone unspoken, and things have been shitty, and gotten better, and then suddenly there's this breaking point where each party just crumbles and finally says "I love you."
There are tears, a warm and tight embrace that feels like it never lasts long enough, and then that ray of happiness comes.

That pulling feeling I've tried to describe before, when I'm most alone...
It's like that moment before you inhale. There's emptiness, and you know you have to do something to fill up that emptiness. But this feeling isn't a breath. There's no simple solution; you can't just inhale. The space just continues to grown in emptiness.

I think I'll go to the mall.

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