放さない。。。
2009-04-21 - 6:13 p.m.

I tried to go to bed last night a little early. It failed.

So I ended up driving out to Colin's instead of him coming here, and I did the same last weekend.
And now I have a boyfriend.

But this time, I'm actually afraid of NOT being in love. Or maybe not falling in love? I don't know. Things with us feel like...like we've already been together for a long time. We can just sit there with each other and cuddle and be content with that, and that's really nice.
But, at least right now, I'm not feeling the...longing for him to the point that I guess is normal for me.
And it scares me.

I want things to WORK.

Although, again, there's still the halation residue with me thinking Philip was THE ONE.

I probably thought something like that with Bret, with Carey...not sure about Eric. I think with Eric I specifically tried NOT to think that. With Eric, I didn't want to try to plan a future together because...well, it was scary. Kyalex, I don't think I thought THE ONE. With him it was more 'we're really different, but we can work to make those differences complimentary'.

And now with Colin - uncertainty. Which I suppose I can let be ok for a little while, but...it can't stay that way.

I suppose I should actually talk a little bit about my weekend.
But...there's actually not that much to say. We cuddled a lot, partied, sexed, watched movies, had Chinese, went to an occult bookstore.
Tyler, AJ's ex, is my fav of his friends, mainly because he's the sweetest and most attractive XD. Though I pretty much enjoy them all. I haven't ever really been in the midst of such a ....GHEY group. I mean I have gay friends, but not a group of gay guys that all hang out together. But then now maybe I'm part of that group. *shrugs*

School is coming to an end, and it still feels like February in my mind's calendar. And really, I don't want to go home. For once. Mainly because there's really not much for me to go back home to.
Joe, Kat, Cody...I guess Daugherty will be, maybe. Demi.
I just...uhg. I don't even necessarily want to stay here - the city, maybe. Around Colin and stuff.
But I think of home now basically like: parents, shitty job, lonely, driving a fuckload.

I never feel like I have options. Or at least positive options.

I want to go away. Very, very, very far away.
From everything.

I'm going through anti-depressant withdrawal, and it's super fun. It's almost like I'm a little tipsy, but not quite.

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