Estelio han. Estelio veleth.
2009-04-10 - 1:35 a.m.

I haven't written in a month, almost.
And still, I'm in such a shitty emotional place.
I ALWAYS in a shitty emotional place.

Colin, a friend of AJ, was going to visit me this weekend, for cuddling and movies. And now he can't because he was called into work on Saturday.

More disappointment.

I know Philip at least read what I wrote to him, and I'm still waiting for a response.
Something.

Waiting and waiting and waiting.

So many things were RIGHT about him, and so many things matched up, and I think that's...one of the reasons I'm still hung up.
And I actually probably would forgive him if he asked me.
Which is kind of sad, since I've only just recently forgiven Kyle for everything.

In so many ways, he was/is what I'm waiting for.

FUCK. ol,ijmubyhdfghjgytgrf cvbjnhbtrewsQA exclamation point exclamation point.

Hell, I still think about GREG, and that was almost four years ago now.

And I still have an infatuation with Bret, which I realized yesterday when I saw his new facebook photo. I wonder if he'll be my forever-crush.

The skill that I think would be the most important for me to learn right now is being able to let go.
I hold on and on and on with that glimmer of hope that something might actually work.

Wishful thinking.

And then the fucking night-sweats.
Ever since I started the anti-depressants, I've been having night-sweats. So I'm going to ween myself off, and see if it changes.

This morning, in between fits of sleep, I had Joker-related nightmares. One in which Sara was dating him? And one where I was in a car chase, ran off the road into the lake, or something, and then apparently I was Batman, and my car turned into a mini-sub, and then I was swimming, and...then in this...I don't even know what. Sewer-like place. Regardless, it was an awful mental experience.

I don't even know what else to say right now.

I'm stressed and flustered and tired and unhappy.

Amalia and I are going to watch Sleeping Beauty.

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