Delusional rantings about a Lover of Horses
2009-03-17 - 11:26 p.m.

I really don't understand.
He came in and out with groceries, and I helped him put them away.
I went into the other room, expecting him to join me.
And then he was gone.
We were cuddling hours earlier.
We were kissing hours earlier.
I had hugged him only minutes before.
But he never came back.
Maybe my affection is too much.

I keep thinking that maybe when he was saying he was going to work, and saying something about not knowing when he was going to be back...if he meant that.
And how he said I could stay there if I wanted, but I didn't have to.

Did I misinterpret something?

I keep thinking "what did I do?" more than what's wrong with him.

And why the fuck he can't respond to a text or answer the phone when I call.

We're a perfect cuddling match. We got in bed and didn't really have to move at all because we were so comfortable.
And he pulled me on top of him to kiss him.
He felt so good.

I know I should be angry. I should say "Fuck you, you're an asshole."
But so many other things just fit.

And I'm so tired of searching.

I want D here. I want him to hold me.

In a lot of ways, my spring break was not a break at all. It was kind of shitty. Stressing out, being angry, being jealous, driving, disappointment.
Disappointment.
I should have stayed here in my room.
Or gone home and stayed in my room with my cats, and D.

Yesterday I realized that it's not really the cut I want. It's the scar. I want to scar myself.
Why that is, I'm not sure. Visible emotional battle wounds?
I noticed that some I had made the last time are healing and going away, and I was disappointed.
Why do I want to look wounded?
Maybe it has to do with not wanting to say it. I want you to see it.
I want you to look at me and be able to see the pain and the struggle and understand without me telling you.
Maybe not.

Philip didn't mention the scars.

Send me my fucking Prince.
I DESERVE him.

Things would be a lot easier if D was gay.

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