I could use a shot or seven.
2009-02-21 - 11:51 p.m.
I'm supposed to be at a party right now, but I missed the bus by a few seconds. Oh well.
Yesterday I was walking down the hallway, and I smelled a scent that was basically the same as Eric's, and I started crying.
I miss him so much.
Today I got my package from him, which not only had the clothes he bought me (turqoise fleece hoodie, lilac shirt, and new jeans), but also had some of those oil scented stick things and this really pretty ceramic candle holder. My room smells pretty wonderful now because of the sticks.
Philip is going to visit me next weekend. He said he might just show up this weekend, and I'm really glad he didn't, because it would've been so stressful.
I'm very excited and nervous.
Nervous because of what might happen, and because I've been having night sweats, and I don't want to be cuddling with him in bed and have to deal with that.
Hopefully we'll be drenched in sweat from other things...
I'm not sure what he's going to do while I'm working Pillars. I mean, he can see the show one night with my free ticket, and he can come with me if wants, but he's going to be so bored.
I want to take an extra week off of school to see Da. But I really shouldn't get my hopes up, or expect to go at all. And I'm concerned that if I do go, I'll not want to come back (again). I should stop thinking about it.
I'm now being switched to lunesta, and hopefully I'll actually be able to sleep Monday night. Kinda hoping it has the high effect that ambien does, though.
Can't I just pause everything for a little while?
I wonder how insane people see their lives.
I got bored the other day and started painting on my rug. I didn't really like it much to begin with, but I haven't exactly improved it.
Missing missing missing people.
I kind of want to be with Eric again. But I'm afraid I'd be settling for comfort. And I don't want to be just settling. I do get a little jealous when he talks about other guys, though. But I want him to be happy. And I think me wanting to be in a relationship with him again is a combination of comfort, wanting to make him happy, and unconditional love.
I just don't know.
I wish I could apply the 'if I stop looking for you' thing to my love life.
But I really do not know how to do that.
I need some comfort, damnit. Both physical and emotional.
I think wherever I am next year, I'm going to try to take at least one art class in addition to my other classes. Like figure drawing. I just want to be better.
...in a lot of ways.
I need to figure out living situations fast. I'm kind of freaking out about it, actually. Dorm, apartment, year off, run away...
My mom told me that Demi has been standing outside of my door and meowing to be let in to my room.
And now I'm crying again thinking about it.
I hate life.
I wanna get waxed.
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