The stars are blood-spatters of the gods
2009-01-29 - 6:47 p.m.

Feeling shitty again.

Refilled my prescription at Walmart, and it cost me one-hundred and fifteen fucking dollars.
I was expecting it to be $40.
I'd rather be depressed.

I gave my introductory speech today, and I don't think it went very well. It was kind of muddy, and...it just wasn't very good. I kind of wanted it to have at least a little bit of emotional impact, but I highly doubt it did.

Gately knows my name now (I seem to be the only one), and I think she actually kind of likes me. Which is scary.

My anxiety pills kind of stone me out, and I've been taking them a little more for fun than actual need.

I'm going to have a slumber party at some point this weekend, but now I'm not sure that I want to. I'm feeling shitty and completely unmotivated again.
And I've learned that I can't really talk to Eric about it anymore. He really doesn't understand how to handle it, and ends up just coming off as cold and uncaring.

I came to a realization today that even if I broke down and Amalia was there to comfort, it would still feel...insufficient. I don't want comfort from a female, I want comfort from a male. And I barely, if ever, receive that. And I don't really mean verbal comfort.
A small bit from Joe the night of Ian's birthday when I was lying on the couch. He started running his fingers through my hair, which is like...step one to calming me down. One of the most physically comforting things for me, actually.

I've been sleeping pretty badly, even with ambien. And the other night I had so many dreams that I was just exhausted when I woke up.
I did buy a new pillow the other night for the first time ever, and it was cheap and eco friendly. And vury vury fluffy.

I've been talking online with this adorable guy named Philip for almost a week now, and...we've pretty much spent every waking second in constant communication. The issues with the situation are that he lives in Missouri (same distance as from here to home; 6.5 hrs), and I think he really recently broke up with his boyfriend. He hasn't talked about it, but his most recent photos on facebook are from only a few weeks ago, and they're of him and this guy who's OBVIOUSLY his boyfriend.
I like him, but I'm trying my best to stay guarded, for now.
...though we designed a shirt that says 'I like to cuddle' on the front, and '(sex is negotiable, not guaranteed)' on the back, and he's getting them printed for us both to have one.

Speaking of boys, Matt and I had another night together the day before school started, and like last time, I haven't really heard from or seen him since. What the fuck? He could at least do me the courtesy of saying that he doesn't really want anything other than a fuck. Maybe then I would be able to pine less for his attention.

I should eat something.

I'm not feeling just depressed, but angry too.
I roared in class today. Literally.

Maybe I should go meditate and try to calm down a little.

Marking up the scar tally to 40 something.

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