All that's left is sand crystals
2009-01-05 - 2:12 a.m.

I just got this awful feeling in my chest like something terrible has happened, and now I'm crying.

The past few days have been really rough.

Last night I had a dream about using a spell to resurrect Ian. I think it was mainly inspired by me thinking about season six of Buffy, and how Willow tries to do that with Tara. Except the deal was that he could only be back for three days or a week or something. We contacted Jeff somehow, and the last thing I remember is the three of us spooning in my bed, Ian in the middle.
On the 7th it'll be two years since Jeff told me.

I spent a lot of Thursday crying. Loneliness, and the sheer terror of returning to school. Along with the fear, I also have a lot of...contempt for it. I tend to label it "that awful place" rather than school. Just like I did Western.
And just thinking about it now makes me feel a little suffocated and trapped.
And people ask me when I have to go back, and I start to just freak out inside. (please please please please please please don't make me go)

I wonder if I'm bi-polar. But then I think you actually have to be happy at some point. Not that I'm not happy sometimes, but at those times it's usually because I'm just being distracted. If I actually go back to thinking about things, I'm just miserable again.

I left my bed a total of three times on Thursday.
Not much more on Friday or Saturday.

I guess I should talk a little about Christmas and New Year's.
Christmas was, as expected, a disappointment. Aside from Kyle's gift, which was actually pretty perfect. It's a small glass music box, no bigger than 1&1/2 x 2 inches, and it plays "On My Own" from Les Miz. Perfectly fitting song for me. I actually have it playing right now. I'd take a picture of it if I had my mother fucking camera.

I have yet to have an actual eventful New Year's Eve. I basically want to have an actual PARTY. But so far, all attempts have just turned into sitting around trying to figure out what to do. This year we played a few rounds of Cranium, and Sam and I won most of them, of course. I pwn the 'star performer' and 'creative cat' cards.

Dana's 21, Sara's 23, Da's 47.

Speaking of aging, Joe and I (and his brother) saw "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" today. It was good, but I didn't think that it was AMAZING.
While watching it, I was reminded of how Sar and I would hold hands whenever we saw a movie together. I don't remember the last time it happened, nor do I remember how it even started.

Things need to stop moving for a while.

I wonder if my aversion to school is a part of my authority issues. Once I'm told I HAVE to do something, I almost instantly no longer want to do it.

I feel like I'm going crazy.
Which I've said before.

And I guess I should try to go to bed now.

lead arrow - gold arrow