You'll be a stranger
2008-10-27 - 2:00 a.m.

Amalia and I spent a lot of yesterday together, and I think I talked about myself/things pertaining to me way too much. And I'm a little ashamed of myself.

I really do worry about every little thing I say, and how I come off. How I'm perceived.

We ate lunch, listened to music and defined verbs, and later got Starbucks and pizza, and watched "Stardust".
I think it was the first time I've actually just hung out with someone at school. Well, a friend. I obviously spent a ton of my time with Kyle, but that was different because we were romantically involved.

Today Amalia, Bin, and I did a little exploring, facing gusts of harsh wind, and even some hail.
We came back and I cut Bin's hair, and then we spent the rest of night in his room just doing...well, nothing really. Contriving plans and operations.

I think the main reason that I want my hair longer is actually to hide my face.
Another small way to protect me from the world.

Eric thinks the reason I don't have more boys openly swooning over me is because I can come off as unapproachable. Which I can definitely see. My neutral face can/does look either sad or angry, or a combination of the two, and much of the time I have nothing to say. And even if I want someone to come and talk to me/want to...hang out with me, there's nothing that I really do to show it, but that's mostly because I'm so afraid as coming off really strongly and being really clingy or something.
Like with Matt. If I walk past his door and see it open with him in there, I'll want to go in and talk with him or something, but then I don't know what I would say, so I just continue walking.

And I'm pretty sure I like the IDEA of having a relationship with Matt more than Matt himself.

So hungry for love.
Starving.

And such an immature lover.

And I just ate a gigantic piece of cake.

"All the lonely people...where do they all come from...?"

I wish I could spend a day NOT thinking about love.

I wish I could be truly apathetic and just not give a shit about anything.

This is not a happy place.

lead arrow - gold arrow