And you'll feed the living
2008-10-19 - 2:25 a.m.

I have done nothing all day but watch stuff online. I feel pretty crappy about it, actually.
Not that there's much more I could've been doing, but still.

I'm finally recovered from being sick, and I really only had 3 classes all week.
I skipped dance Monday, skipped my morning classes Tuesday, went to Gately's, no dance Wednesday, went to Aesthetics and Stage Tech, and Ridge's was canceled.
Aesthetics was actually kinda fun because I love our current instructor (they change), and she was talking about costumes. I was looking super cute that day, and she actually pulled me up on stage as an example of...well, being fashionable. It was definitely a self-esteem booster.
And in tech we turned in our flats, and everyone was impressed by my painting.

Eric bought me the acne.org regimen stuff, as a birthday present, and currently it's drying my face out a lot. It's too early to see if it's actually helping, so I'm just constantly applying moisturizer when I feel too dry.
He went to see Kathy Griffin tonight, and wanted me to go with him, and was going to buy me megabus tickets and everything, and all I really had to do was find a ride to Chicago. I declined because...well the bus thing just kinda makes me nervous, but now I'm wishing I had gone.
We're both really missing each other.
Both of us incredibly lonely.

I'm missing Alex(Kyle) too.

I think feeling...trapped here doesn't help.
I feel like I can't really even just go drive somewhere, even to t-bell, and especially not at night. The car is just so far away, and we're strongly and repeatedly advised to not walk alone at night.
And then I also feel like I can't even leave my room without putting a little cover-up on.
I'm so controlled by fear.

I think I really just hate school in general. I'm not sure I actually would be happier in another school's program.
I'm very uncomfortable here all the time. And not in a good "you'll learn from this" way.

In addition to the trapped thing, I don't really have other options.
I'm basically just stuck here.

Uhg, and I really want some t-bell right now.

I should actually be asleep. But I ended sleeping until 1, so I'm not really tired.

There is a storm brewing in me.

Ian's deathdate is coming up. Or it might have already happened. It might have been today. I don't know. I don't know if Jeff knows. I never asked him, and now...well, I doubt he'd even respond to me.
And I miss him, too.

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