Passion...an ember
2008-08-06 - 10:10 p.m.

I wanted to make a new cut last night.

I was really hoping that at some point yesterday, I would have some sort of catharsis. That I would be able to have a good sob session and be fine.
Not so much.

On Monday night a few of us went into town for 'girl talk', mainly for Chelsea, who's really upset about Kit leaving. She's falling for him.
We all went to the park and played Apples to Apples, and I kept getting just crap hands.
After the night set in, we set up the Twister mat under a lamp, and only Kit and Jeanette and I played, until I called Joe, who promptly joined us.
Joe and I are were playing against each other for a good 20 minutes at least, and after a few moves, they just stopped using the spinner and were calling out moves just to get Joe and I tangled and into compromising positions.
They succeeded.
Neither of us won, because Sar and Chris tackled us. So there is more Twister to be played, sir. Oh there is.

After that, we went to the beach.
Bad idea.
A few of them went into the water, and I decided it was a good time to pace. I walked up into the grass so it would be easier for me to walk, and then pulled out my phone to check the time, and it instantly turned to midnight. And I started a steady stream of tears that lasted basically until we left.
Ian had said he always wanted to live by the beach.

We went back to Sara's, and I thought it was just going to be me, Sar, and Joe (Cole and Jarren are obviously an exception; they sort of live there), but both Jeanette and Chris came over, and Todd, and I was like 'uhhhhhh ok'.
They popped in Slings & Arrows, I took my ambien and made some chocolate milk, and I think I fell asleep slumping toward Joe with the cup in my hand.
At some point I was moved to the floor next to Sar and Joe. I really just remember waking up cuddling with Sar and actually laying down.

Made some double-chocolate mint cookies in the morning, which didn't come out that well, and then Sara had to go take some senior pictures, and I went with her.
It took much longer and was a lot more than we bargained for.

Joe came over after we got back, and we went and grabbed some food, and then came back to watch The Fountain.
I have no idea why I thought I'd be okay watching it.
I think I actually planned on crying my eyes out; was hoping that it would help...unleash.
But it was the same as at the beach, just a constant streaming. And then I went into zombie mode after it was done.
I didn't really want to move or do anything.
After a few minutes I curled up into a fetal position, and Joe started running his hand through my hair, which made it both better and worse at the same time.

I didn't want to go home, and certainly not alone.

I stayed home from work today because I feel just plain shitty, and I want to stay home tomorrow too.
I just want to be done.

I'm going to get my new car plates and stuff tomorrow, and then I'll be able to drive it. I'm a little scared about stalling in like an intersection or something, and right now it hurts my leg to use the clutch because I have to use so much pressure. Well I guess 'hurts' isn't really the right word, but it's definitely giving my leg a workout.

I'm such a fool.
There's more that I want to say, but I'm so concerned about who would read it.

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